Built on Bad Foundations

Okay. let me be serious today. Take a dose of 'tough love', if you will.. Woman. One of the major reasons why your daily living is permeated with insecurities and abstract anxieties, seasoned with a sprinkling of crippling self doubt, is because you are building yourself on shaky foundations. YOU, your average 21st century western woman is fed all manner of destructive fodder from the age of first understanding societal language, until most probably death. You are fed foundational beliefs such as 'you must be pretty',‘you must be pretty to be happy/desired’, ‘you must be thin to be happy/desired/socially acceptable’ , ‘you must compete with other women’, ‘you must work hard at stuff to have something to show that you are worth anything’, ‘buy this beauty product, lose those tummy rolls, have a house like this...and you will finally be happy/desired/worthwhile’ etc etc. And so the poor, little rich western woman has a whole trough of life-lies to unceasingly, unrelentingly work towards. This is a sad, hopeless state of affairs. Yet..hmm. Is it so hopeless? For if the disease is caused by feeding the womanly soul with mental junk food, surely it can be quelled by changing the diet of base media intake and advertising companies’ guilt-feed? Cheesy as it may be to say, I find that L.O.V.E is the solution to basically everything. For e.g. sake, let’s take that face you have, that waist you have, that laugh you have –they are YOURS. So...you may as well go ahead and make yourself love them despite what the world around you is teaching. The alternative is constantly deriding yourself on how ‘inadequate’ they are and wasting your life on a sad pursuit of constantly trying to change them to fit some nonsensical –one-size-fits-all ideal of what constitutes beauty, attractiveness and even the right to be happy. To the people who love you, you are much more than eyes, hair, a waist and skin. They love you just because you are their precious, daughter, sister, wife, friend, niece etc etc. They love you just because of love. And I’m sure there is nothing they would change about YOU materially. So...sad, ever-shadow-chasing, shallow reduced western woman, let me advise you with this...forget what ‘society’ is pressuring you to be. Build your confidence and focus around the only thing that matters when all else in this fickle world crumbles ---Love. Matthew 7:24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man which built his house upon a rock.

The Problem with the Hurt

Hurt is inevitable in the human process of living. Yet some people take it as an extraordinary happening that solely occurs so sorely to them; using it as an excuse to wallow in victim-hood and self-pity. This is often those of us who are self-righteously inclined, and who are forgetful to the fact we’ve also caused hurt before and have needed to be forgiven.

What else should we do to deal with the hurts in a healthy way?
Respect time. It really does seem to heal. So don’t throw away a potential lifetime friendship for something that may have been said in 30 seconds of folly, no matter how much it may have pierced you at the initial moment.

We also need to learn how to accept that going through some roughness in our lives is not only inevitable, it is valuable and necessary. Interestingly in biblical times, newborn babies were salted before being wrapped in swaddling. This process was to toughen up their skins against the things they would henceforth be facing in this germ ridden, rough-and-tumble world. It is inevitable as we grow older in years and essential for growing as people. Let us even learn to say 'hurrah', for (learning to deal with) the hurts!




Colossians 3:12-13
12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;
13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also [do] ye.

The Spirit of Anarchy

During the past week, the country has experienced a growing deluge of rioting, looting, nihilism and civil unrest heretofore unprecedented in this generation of English youth.
It began several days ago, stemming from the peaceful protest of the family of a young black Londoner, who had been shot dead by police in unclear circumstances. This was just a spark in catalyzing a great fallout of youthful rebellion, violence and anarchy on city streets.
There are a good few key factors contributing to these troubling scenes played out before us. Here are three:

Disillusionment
There is a crippling recession. People feel helpless. Employment rates are disparaging. People are angry at politicians –they seem to get away with so much.
Respect for authority feels pointless. People are fed up with all sorts.

-Look at societal history- bad government and economic misery always leads to social unrest.

The age old, universal angst of youth
In this kind of mass movement of people, there is also a perverse sense of camaraderie. Adolescents are collecting side by side for a –albeit negative- common cause.
These are things commonly sought after in human nature, no matter the walk of life. If it were only poverty and working-class disillusionment that made us act out, you wouldn’t have seen middle-class wannabe rebels such as rock star son Otis Ferry publicly displaying anarchic, anti-establishment behaviour in the notorious student protests earlier this year.

Greed and materialism
“Don’t underestimate the desire for a free pair of Nike trainers.”
-Timothy Spall on This Morning in reference to the looting

‘Nuff said.


And basically, if the people at the top were performing their duties with integrity, we people at the bottom wouldn’t be suffocating in such resentment.

Proverbs 29:2: When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn.

Valentine's Day for the Savvy Singleton

So it’s Valentine’s day…And on this day where many are wrapped up in an enthralling haze of all manner of romance and amorous attentions you remain…-oh, that dreaded word- SINGLE!..

‘Single’ to the point where you are fighting back the sad urge to secretly buy a giant teddy bear. For at least then you will have someone/thing to inordinately cuddle and squeeze when the oppression of singledom bears down on you like the shame of a badly attached weave you haven’t had time to cover the tracks of before going out(-think of something equally disheartening if you’re a man or none weave wearer, such as myself. Ahem).

Maybe you could console yourself with the thought that this day is really just an excuse for abject commercialism and consumerism, where sappy people are pressured into showing more affection to a -probably rarely appreciated- partner than they’d ever care to for the rest of the year, where contrived notions of an armed and bare-bottomed cherub are not thrust upon us.

On the other hand, maybe you are single of your own accord and very happily so. Maybe this day does pass you by as just another money-spinner for card and choc companies. However, maybe you are one who can appreciate it as a chance to celebrate Love in its various forms.

It’s good to make the most of every single day life brings (-did you spot the pun). So here are some suggestions of things the self-affirmed singleton can do to maintain their feel-good factor this Valentine’s:

1. If you have any other good friends who are single, meet up. Good friends + good nosh + good natter, always = good times. Because it’s this time of year, you unfortunately may feel inclined to talk about relationships. Fair enough, but any negativity must be forbidden. You are only allowed to talk about the lovely qualities that you would like to find in your future partner. Also, tell your friends that at whatever point in the future you introduce them to your future hubby/ wifey, if they are less than you dreamed of and thought you deserved, said friends are allowed to punk-slap you.

2. Instead of focussing on yourself and perhaps how ‘unloved’ you feel, think of someone else. Give a call to that lonely old auntie of yours who has nobody but her cats to appreciate her. This will also teach you that Love at its purest is a completely unselfish virtue.

3. Take the time to strengthen familial love. Treat your parent/s to a meal. Take the little cousins you hardly ever see out somewhere fun. Reminisce with your siblings... The sad thing about family ties is that so often, if they are left untended, inevitable life occurrences such as moving away, simply growing up and apart and in some cases, hurtful disputes will render them almost irredeemable.

4. If you are a happy singleton (like yours truly!) maybe you are taking time-out from the world of romance and relationships so you can focus on being the best person you can be. This is wise, as when/if you do eventually find yourself with a special someone, you will have made sure you have a lot more to bring to the table than just your needs and the baggage you’ve accumulated (and perhaps never sorted) from past experiences. You know the ways in which you want to improve yourself. This could range from anything to becoming someone who is cultured and well-travelled; strengthening your spiritual self; or getting a gym routine going so you are at your physical pique.

Whether you are single or not this Valentine’s, you have relationships in your life that need tending to.

If you do have a significant other and wish to maintain a blissful union for many more Valentines to come, remember key ingredients to a successful relationship are; mutual respect and consideration, honesty, openness and consistency…if you take anything out of the article, take this.



Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

1 Corinthians 8:3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not *love*, it profiteth me nothing.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife of whom thou lovest

Handling Rejection

Dealing with rejection

Oh No! You’ve been turned down for that job you were convinced you were so made for / that pretty/handsome young thing you really liked has kicked you to the proverbial pavement/ the clique you wanted to be a part of has squeezed you out of their lives like an ill-fated whitehead/ etc etc.
Diddums.
We all face ‘rejections’ in one form or another. It’s an inevitable part of the troublesome conundrum that is life. If you find you deal with it particularly badly, here are several truths for you to swallow; they might help numb the pain, yet are free and a whole heap healthier than Prozac Jack

i) Firstly, if the person who has snatched this dream away from you for the moment has also succeeded in making you doubt yourself and damaging your self-esteem/ ego/ confidence (this means) your self-esteem/ego/ confidence was probably fragile in the first place. Fix this. OK? Done…

The reason it’s called SELF-esteem and SELF confidence is because you don’t give anyone the power to affect it, except for….your SELF. Duh. Geddit? OK. Done.


ii) How are you going to give someone who has only seen a small snapshot of you the power to make you feel like a loser. You loser! (Sorry). YOU know ‘you’ and all the great things about you, so don’t let this one hiccup in your life’s journey make you forget those things. The person/ company/ silly boob who let you go hasn’t made a negative assessment of you as a person- because they don’t fully and completely know you as a person. This means you should not be taking their judgment of you too deeply. After a ‘failure’ we tend to focus on failure. Re-organise your thinking and write a mental list of all the many, many things that are GREAT about YOU to focus on instead. Hurrah!

iii) Of course I’m not assuming everyone reading this will be approval-dependant saps. I’m sure many of us aren’t. The reason you are so cut up about the rejection is because you really, really wanted the thing that you were going after. But maybe you wanted it with an inordinate desire that transcends time and seas and existential sense and ….sorry I’m getting all poetic on your hyneez. But yes, maybe you were so driven on that thing and you shouldn’t have been, because you lost all flexibility (-which you need in this unpredictable life) and balanced perspective.
The maze of your life’s path (-am I being too deep again?) doesn’t come with a Sat Nav and sometimes we genuinely don’t know what is best, until we’ve got things we thought we wanted, and it eventually becomes apparent they were not good for us to have in the first place.
Basically, I know you thought you wanted it, but maybe life is doing you a favour by not giving it to you. In the short-sightedness that often accompanies the earnest desires of youth, you just haven’t realised this yet.


iv) …The other side to this coin is that the thing you wanted is meant for you…just NOT YET. This means the rejection has been good for you…yes- GOOD!
“But why, Retty. Why?” –I hear you ask…
Because this rejection hasn’t killed you, it has made you stronger. So you will build strength of character and determination. It means the next time round, when you get a second, third or fourth chance to get that thing, you will not only be more prepared to receive it, you will appreciate it more, because of the journey traversed on the way to grasping it. And because you’ve valued and held on to the dream through difficulty- you’ll be more worthy of it.

Many celebrated people today had to face much rejection before getting to the admirable place they are now at.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of FAITH and PATIENCE.

Consider this sad account;
“Coping with rejection and apparent failure is a serious matter. The tragic death of John Kennedy Toole screams this truth at anyone lucky enough to need an explanation. No publisher would touch Toole’s book. In a vain attempt to kill the pain, he suicided. Posthumously, his book was published. It won the 1980 Pulitzer Prize for fiction.”
(From net-burst.net/hot/cope)


So pick yourself up. Dust yourself off.
Tomorrow is a new day, kiddo. Don’t take yourself or the things of this life too seriously.



N.B. God loves you.
I’m outty
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Ser Guapa, Etre belle, Being Beautiful,

Subtitle: Women are obsessed with their beauty. (Generally, this is because men are obsessed with women’s beauty. That's a whole other blog). And because women (not entirely incorrectly) associate beauty with being desired. And they confuse being desired with being loved…And alas ultimately, all women want –is to be loved.
…So let me tell you how to achieve our vain wishes!!...

Make yourself uber more beautiful!! Instantly!...

1= Believe!! How do you suppose to convince others you are H.O.T if you don’t believe it yourself? Furthermore; that understated, unshakable self-confidence (not arrogance) that this involves is within itself supremely attractive.

2= (…Relates to point ‘1’) But yes! You have good bits. Fully acknowledge them. Refuse the human default of doing otherwise – depressing yourself by focussing on ‘flaws’ (many of these are only in your head anyway)

3= (…Also tied to point numero uno. And dos)
Gwen Stefani has relatively no bosom, Sarah Jessica Parker’s face resembles an equine creature and Lucy Lui has a lazy eye, etc etc. But these women are examples of many who are universally recognised as being sublimely attractive. The point being, as much as I am no advocate of our generation’s sad celebrity obsession, if I can draw any positive from it, it is that of celebrating the confidence, elegance and general ‘swagger’ of people who know all this supersedes so called ‘imperfections’(i.e., they’ve already mastered points one and two)

4= Kind of paradoxical to point 3, but I stand by it: Stop looking at famous people on TV, in magazines etc and comparing yourself to them. Just Stop! Withdraw yourself from being a victim of the advertising and entertainment industries’ quest to make you unhappy with what you have -and thus desire what they offer. This is my favourite tip for being (aka acknowledging you yourself are already) beautiful.

5= Smile much, employ humour, live selflessly, eschew envy, negative thoughts, anxiety, self-loathing and malice. Trust me, this kind of character is truly attractive. (Plus- stress and negative emotions actually do affect your health and appearance)

6= Dress nicely. Don’t worry; I won’t disappoint you by making this post completely un-superficial (I know you were prob hoping for some revelatory, secret physical beauty tips). But I love clothes… not only are they a means of individual self-expression - dare I say like good art- a nicely put together outfit or beautiful dress for example can bring any man or woman up a couple notches. We all know it is of no value when it comes down to the real things of life and people; nevertheless, it does show someone cares about themselves if they take effort to not look like a hobo all the time.

7= Looking your best =is equal to= Looking healthy.
What is more appealing than beautiful, flawlessly smooth, healthily glowing skin on anyone? Or hair that looks so cotton soft, it’s difficult to resist reaching your fingers up to touch it?
Nothing! I’d say it’s the most attractive accessory one can have.

And the answers to good health and beauty are all provided in nature. For example, lavender essential oil is just one solution for blemished skin, soft hair, hair growth, cell repair and muchissimos beauty fixes besides. Get books on Natural Beauty from a library, bookshops or online (there are many good ones around, e.g by Liz Earle or Josephine Fairley ) and discover the myriad of minor miracles nature provides for holistic beauty.

Also, start regular facial massaging. You’ll be surprised at how such a simple and free process can leave your visage so much more toned and dewy. Check Youtube for good routines.

But again, you can find more great techniques in books. So do be acquainted with your local library and information resources as they help feed a beautiful mind, which is after all where the most important beauty comes from :D




'Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain' -Proverbs 31:30

How to be more ‘Craftable’

You are born before a canvas. You are invariably provided with tools, materials and paints. You, the Artist are left to create and form something beautiful from all that is laid before you: The ‘tools’ are experiences; the ‘canvas’ is life and self….er
Okay, fair enough, these sound like the ramblings of a long, greasy and greying haired someone, too old to be pursuing psychedelic highs, yet is nevertheless on one (which I am not. Honestly). I’ll cease at attempting to be overly-deep ‘cos all I want to say is that some people sit in self-bamboozlement and wonder what the meaning of life is (while said life passes them by), and others already know, obviously, it is- to live. Thus, they endeavour to do just that. The former bypass time lounging in the comfortable lap of complacency while life experiences just happen around them. The latter view each experience and experience-inducing opportunities as a starving man views a three-course meal (the latter are crazy hungry for growth and character). The latter recycle this great gift of a thing called ‘experience’ and draw every ounce of nutrition out of it (- try and keep up with my scatty metaphors). The latter are the ‘Crafty Ones’.
Friends, I beseech you- be cunning, wily, socially dexterous. Take advantage of others. In a good way. You think that’s not possible…Come with me on a four step journey through my ever fizzing cerebral cortex as I show you how to be more ‘Craftable’:

1) Use people. I use people up like a fast food chain uses up reconstituted meat. I get excited when I meet a new person, because no matter how ‘boring’ a person thinks they are, they have information, knowledge, ideas, resources etc that I don’t. And I want some more of all those things. People are the most precious and fascinating of creatures (-that’s right, lonely old Cat Lady) – talk to them, explore their minds, soak up their goodness.

2) Know that every mistake is a teacher. Try and trial. Make error. Learn; Re-asses/ re-evaluate. Move on. Re- execute. In an exponentially better way.
The crafty guy is so self-absorbed. He’s always thinking about himself and his own self improvement –the selfish thing- and crafts everything possible that he comes across into a means for this end. Look at every experience –especially ‘negative’ ones- as a chance to learn some nugget of life-truth and build character. Be devious and wily and manipulate these things into the shape of your success.

3) I’ve rammed the nutritional importance of taking advantage of “Experience” down your throat. Good. It’s important for progress. So important in fact, that you better just chase it down when you can get it. The wily eye is always on the look out for such chances. E.g. the painfully shy girl who took a job as a door to door salesperson –un unfairly much maligned profession, I might add!- knowing if there is anything that’s going to build obscene confidence, resilience, determination, sociability and break you out of your ‘shell’, it’s being forced (-Commission only. No sales=no eat!) to interact with and engage 100 completely different -and frankly quite strange in many cases- people everyday, in areas you’ve never been to, some you would never want to go to and get people to buy into you (-the real ‘product’ you are selling) at their homes when many of them don’t want to be bothered out of their comfortable homely sofa-haze. You have to admire someone who makes themselves take a flying leap so far outside their comfort zone to suck the rich juice out of a potentially mega rich –say it with me- EXPER-I-ENCE.

4)Slap your enemy in the face. Pummel him to the floor. Then drop kick him. Then twist his nips.

I’m not advocating physical violence here. Your enemy is the ‘thing’ that tries to make you give up and in when things don’t go your way. The thing that stops you from believing you are well able to prosper. Aggressively defy him and shame that fool with positive assertions and subsequent actions. Pow! Biff! Bash!
I don’t care what your name is, be a ‘Victor’.

The scary and striking (-in more ways than one. haha) supermodel Naomi Campbell was recently reported in the news as haughtily describing being adjured to be a witness in a serious war crimes trial as a ‘big inconvenience’ for her. I’m sure it was.
But if you are not a capricious celeb drunk off your own grandeur (disclaimer: I’m not saying Naomi is. I actually love you Miss Campbell. Mwah!!), you will realize so called ‘inconveniences’ to your comfortable life’s comfortable little plans can be a good thing. They are humbling, make you realize everything isn’t meant to go your way, life is an unpredictable 'box of chocolates', you are not the boss of everything, you have to learn to adapt, adjust and maintain dignity in the face of things that are not wholly pleasant to you..
Other manifestations of this thing ‘inconvenience’ are ‘chances to learn how to sacrifice’, ‘a chance to grow up’ and ‘a general chance to learn something from the greatest of learning devices…EXPERIENCES’ –pleasant, unpleasant, new and varied. But experience isn't just the thing, it's learning how to draw from and wisely RESPOND to it. As you grow older, and hopefully wiser, you should get better at responding well to different life situations, people and experiences.

-Thusly, you allow your ‘Craftability’ to flourish. Knowing the artwork you are crafting is Yourself- AKA your ideal person; one who is deftly knowledgeable, ‘people wise’, cool, creative, possessive of that certain je ne sais quoi (-basically- la confiance). And great for people to be around cos your wealth of experience has made you interesting, and people know you find them so too.

So pick up your tools and get crafting…


************************************************************************************
(-Blog inspired by Scott Ginsberg of "Hellomyname is" fame...)
www.hellomynameisblog.com